?

Log in

Jessica Williams
10 September 2010 @ 03:54 pm
Well, Thursday turned out to be a mix of good and bad. The good? I was surfing the net, and came across a chapter of a story I started in April, and the screenplay scene that went along with it. I fully intend to continue this story. I walked up to Publix to pick up some milk, and a notebook to start crafting notes and scenes in (since the two I brought are filling up pretty quick with fanfiction and journal entries). Needless to say, my ADD got the best of me, and I ended up watching Dark Matter instead of writing. I was getting irritated by the near-end of the film, because I wasn't seeing the "dark side" of the character that was supposed to have one. Well, it definitely came. Surprised the hell out of me, which made it a good movie.

My Aunt got home about twenty minutes before the end of Dark Matter, and oh boy was she in a mood. So much that she actually took it out on me, and I never precieved her as the type of person to do that. She's never done it to me before, at least. She leapt down my throat about a plate, commented on my eating habits, pointed out that I've been here since Saturday and have gone through two and a half gallons of milk, and finally gave me the "Stop carrying around all of this baggage and get on with your life" speech. Needless to say, I was in tears by the time she finally left me alone. When Dark Matter was over, I turned on Sunshine Cleaning and tried to focus on that instead of bothering her. She made dinner, we ate, and she went to bed.

I couldn't seem to go to sleep, so I turned on The Young Victoria and texted Ariane for a while. When I finally did pass out, it was two thirty in the morning, and I had to be up at 10am for the Day Event of Atlanta Fashion's Night Out.
 
 
Current Location: Atlanta, GA
Current Music: Paramore: Ignorance
 
 
Jessica Williams
08 September 2010 @ 08:00 pm
I'm having quite a nice time down in Atlanta. Its warm, its relaxing, my Aunt is treating me like an adult, and I've only had caffeine twice since being here. Here's what I've been doing since I got here.


Saturday


I got up Saturday morning at 8am, already stressed the hell out. Travel days always suck for me, because I know that at one point or another during the day, I'm going to run into trouble. I always do. I packed the night before, so I was basically subjected to skulking around grandma's apartment until 11:00am, when Nina was due to pick me up. I ate, I made sure I had everything, I passed out on the couch and tried to watch some TV to calm my nerves. Not only was I convinced I was going to run into trouble, I was convinced my plane was going to crash, for some odd reason. Irrational, I know. But every once in a while I get these gut feelings that scare the hell out of me, and usually end up being true. I figure if the flight was going to crash, however, I'd have dreamed about it, so I sucked it up and dealt with it.

Nina picked me up at 11am, and we got to the airport by 11:30am. The airport, I kid you not, was practically empty. Well, the check in and security lines, at least. I figured, since I was traveling on a holiday weekend, that it would be pretty packed. It took me five minutes to check in, five to get through security, and ten to get from one side of the airport to another to get to my gate. I hung out in the food court, bought some Taco Bell (NEVER. AGAIN. IN AN AIRPORT. SIX FUCKING DOLLARS. FOR A DRINK AND TWO TaCOS), and wrote until it was time to board my plane.

My plane was full. It was pretty unnerving, to be honest. I don't like planes that much as it is; to have a full flight just makes me start being irrational and think that the weight of everyone is just going to pull the flight down, or something stupid like that.

Long story short, I had quite the panic attack during take off. The first hour of the flight was lovely; the last forty minutes was filled with so much turbulance, I had three more panic attacks before the landing gears even went down. The worst panic attack I had was during the actual landing; it was the bumpiest landing I've ever had to go through, and I was almost crying by the time the plane hit the ground.

All I can say, is thank MERLIN I don't have to do that again for a while.

I met Aunt Katherine at baggage, and we took the Marta Train back to Dunwoody Station. From there, we drove to Kroger, where I got my first revelation concerning why she told me to save my money because I was "going to need it": I had to buy my own food. Which I did; I spent $35 of my $65 on food. We came back to the condo, made dinner, passed out to watch some movies, and talked. I went to sleep at about midnight, after showering to get the sweaty heat of Atlanta off of me.

Sunday


Sunday, the Aunt and I got up and had breakfast. Another new development for me, since "breakfast" usually consists of whatever the hell I get my hands on when I crawl out of bed at 3pm. Once we had fully woken ourselves up, we went out to a couple of parking lots around town, and I drove around them for a while. Once we finished that, we went to Borders, where I agonized over several books I've been after for a long time (each of which was over ten dollars and out of my price range).

I'll be completely honest with you, I can't for the life of me remember if we went anywhere after that. I don't think we did. I believe we came back, turned the TV on, passed out in front of it, and talked while watching all sorts of stupidity.

Monday


Monday was pretty slow for the first four hours I was up. I crawled out of bed at about noon, had some food, then started watching television with the Aunt. By 5pm, I was bored out of my skull, and debating on going for a walk. By 5:30pm, I was dressed, my purse was packed, and I was heading out the door to walk to Borders.

What I did not realize about this walk was that it was a five mile walk one way. Meaning there and back was ten miles. Now, while I could make that walk in the morning, hang out until later in the afternoon, and then make the walk back and be completely fine, I was NOT good with making the walk there (which took me an hour and a half, since I got turned around twice), sitting down for thirty minutes, and then making the walk back. I bought myself one of the books I had been after (I found it for eight dollars in a smaller binding) to make myself feel better. By the time I got back to the condo, I was convinced I was going to have a heart attack. It was hot, and I couldn't even take a proper deep breath without my palpatations starting.

So I'm thinking, if I make that walk again, it will NOT be in ninety degree weather, and the trip there will be made in the morning, and the one back early evening. So I had better have one HELL of a writing/school project to work on that day.

The Aunt made pizza for dinner, which she bought from the nice little shop downstairs. I passed out at 11:30pm, deciding to shower in the morning.

Tuesday


I woke up to find my Aunt had gone to work, and I had the whole condo to myself. Rather excited about this, I jumped online for a while, read some fanfic, said hi to Alicia, checked in with school, and listened to some music. After, I made my first attempt at cooking down here.

It was quite the disaster. I did not have a proper meal at all.

After the net, I took a shower, and caught up on a couple of movies I wanted to see (Surrogates and CoCo Before Chanel, which was all in FRENCH). The Aunt got home a little after seven, and gave me my keycard to get in and out of the condo. We talked for a while, and we went out to Publix to pick up some milk and vitamins. When we got back, I made myself a scrambled egg sandwitch, and the Aunt went to bed.

I couldn't sleep, for some reason or another, so I stayed up watching some movies. Harry Potter, The Dark Knight, Adaptation, and The Deep End. After watching Adaptation (and do note, this happens EVERY TIME I watch this movie), I felt like I was on some kind of acid trip, and needed to write. Problem was, it wouldn't come out. I finally passed out in the middle of The Deep End, at two something in the morning.

Wednesday


Today, I woke up at 11:50am, same time I woke up yesterday. I hung out online for a while, reading more fanfiction and catching up with a couple of people, before signing off and going downstairs to the little store and buying a pack of Oreos. Once that was completed, I came back up, grabbed all of my stuff, and chilled out on the balcony. There was really no point in me taking my stuff out there, to be honest; most of my time was spent staring off into Atlanta, thinking about the fact that even though its beautiful to me now, I'll get used to it soon, and start taking it for granted. Just like I take everything else for granted.

I started getting a little homesick, despite knowing that being down here is best for me right now. I called Mom and talked to her for a bit, before finally writing a little more of the fanfiction I've been working on since Saturday and coming inside. I had taken some photos of the view, and of myself on the balcony, which I uploaded to facebook.

And now here I am. The Aunt is home, cooking us baked potatoes, and I'm typing this up, slightly amused by the fact that I got Khris suspended from his job for texting him (hey, he's the one who kept answering me), and planning on watching some Meryl Streep films I have yet to see. Hopefully, just to make myself feel a little better, I'll get some non-caffienated tea and have some of that before going to sleep.

Nights are the worst part of this trip. When I actually try to lay down and sleep, its impossible, and I end up thinking way too much. I think about how I feel like I'm running from my problems in Michigan, and I think about what my grandmother told me my mother said about me being down here: "Give her two weeks, she'll be back." I think about how I'm expected to get a job with no experience, and I think about how completely freaked out I am about how school would react if I decided I didn't want to go back to Michigan in October.

Its not all negative, though. I also think about how completely relaxing it is to be treated like an adult, and to know that I get to worry about myself, for once. I don't have to tell anyone I'm leaving, I don't have to tell anyone where I'm going, when I'm coming back, I don't have to call anyone when I get anywhere, and I don't have to explain myself. Its nice. Its really, really nice.

I'm just not looking forward to when I have to step back amidst all the drama at home.
 
 
Current Location: Atlanta, GA
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Killola: Mid-Day Rebel
 
 
Jessica Williams
27 July 2010 @ 04:47 am
Ten points to whoever can figure out which Korn song I wrote this to.

Words used: velocity, maintain(ing), intelligence, virtue, tragic

Blood Bath

Oh, I hate what I’ve become
this velocity of hate
shooting bullets straight through me
Oh, I hate what you’ve become
all the vanity, it’s numbing
you. will. succumb to me

Why can’t I look at you with a straight face
without maintaining the decency I was cursed with
intelligence is just a fantasy
everything is burning
I’m your pawn tonight

Why won’t you get the fuck away from me
I can’t breathe with you standing in my way
Why won’t you just admit you murdered me
Your sweetest virtue is bathing in my blood

Oh, I hate what I’ve become
this velocity of hate
shooting bullets straight through me
Oh, I hate what you’ve become
all the vanity, it’s numbing
you. will. succumb to me

Why won’t you get the fuck away from me
I never asked for your fucking sympathy
You really think you’re playing games with me
So tragic that I’m the one you need

Oh, I hate what I’ve become
this velocity of hate
shooting bullets straight through me
Oh, I hate what you’ve become
all the vanity, it’s numbing
you. will. succumb to me
 
 
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: Korn
 
 
Jessica Williams
01 July 2010 @ 03:04 am
Does it make sense that even though I hate my mother so much it hurts, I just wish she'd start coming home after work again?
 
 
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: crappycrappy
Current Music: Lacuna Coil: Our Truth
 
 
Jessica Williams
29 June 2010 @ 06:43 am

I don't know what you want from me
I've already given you all I have
If both of us have nothing to say
Then why are we standing here again
You asked me to believe you and I did
But now I'm sick
I guess we're just not cut out for this

All I wanted
was to love you
But you didn't want to see
Now I'm writing
love songs for you
Look what you've done to me

You won't ever sleep again
Once you realize that I resent you

You can't control me
Even as I lay awake at night
My thoughts betray me
Even a fool knows this isn't right
I have another option
A safer bet than you
But I'm not known to play it safe
I guess I'm just an idiot to love you

All I wanted
was to love you
But you didn't want to see
Now I'm writing
love songs for you
Look what you've done to me

You won't ever sleep again
Once you realize I resent you
You won't ever sleep again
Once you open your eyes and find I've left you
 
 
Current Mood: bitchybitchy
 
 
 
Jessica Williams
23 June 2010 @ 01:01 pm
Title: DWP iTunes Challenge
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Language.
A/N: I needed a little pick-me-up to get back into writing. So not only have I been reading every fanfic I can get my cursor on, I've been dabbling with a bit of writing. HUGE thanks to mxrolkr for the awesome beta job. You rock, hun.

Only four...Collapse )
 
 
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Drowning Pool: Feel Like I Do
 
 
Jessica Williams
22 June 2010 @ 07:18 pm
There is so much shit going on, I don't even know where to start. My schedule just took a very drastic turn recently, and it literally feels like real life has been shoved on me with no warning. I'll be nineteen in August, which is another scary thought. My mother threatened to throw me out if I don't either graduate school or get a job to start paying rent by December. So I changed my school schedule, and I'm now working at least four hours a day on schoolwork. Which is completely fine; it needs to get done. But it leaves little room to do much else.

I've finally decided it is time to get back into Devil Wears Prada fanfiction. I've been reading quite a bit in the past couple of days, so I'm finally getting back into Fired, and planning out the companion to False Hope. My boyfriend gave me an interesting idea that centers around Miranda/Andrea/Emily, so I might write that too. I need to re-read some fics before I jump head first back into writing. I'm seriously thinking of going for another round of Truth and Measure by Telanu, who is, hands down, my favorite writer of all fandoms.

I started this with the intention of updating what was going on with me and Ariane. I just don't have the energy to type it all out. So I won't. Just know, its complicated. And I'd like to dig myself a grave now and pretend I did NOT get myself into this.

Bright side? Nina's wedding Saturday. Lots of fun stuff ahead.

-J.
 
 
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: busy
Current Music: We Are The Fallen: Tear The World Down
 
 
Jessica Williams
23 May 2010 @ 08:55 pm
It's been a while, hasn't it? Busy, busy, busy...I'm sick as hell, but Friday was Lacuna Coil, which made it all better. They played first, which is new...never experienced that before. They're usually main support, but whatever. They got everyone riled up, and it was good. Drowning Pool was next, during which I got my ass kicked when they decided to play their ever popular "Bodies." HELLYEAH was...not so great. They'd have been excellent had they turned the bass down a bit. I was deaf by the end of that performance. At least, everything was muffled. Seether was great; played most of the songs I know by them. And after, Jon and I waited forty five minutes to meet Seether and Lacuna Coil. Well...he waited for Seether. I went and staked out by Lacuna Coil's tour bus. I probably earned stalker status at one point that night, but oh well. Look at what it got me:

Read more...Collapse )

Yeah, its pretty big, so I had to put it behind a cut...but the fact that I got to see her again made me VERY happy. I'm now hoping for a Lacuna Coil headliner. Though I'm always hoping for that...

Khris is coming up in September. I don't think I put on here that he and I are together; well, we are. Never in my dreams would I have expected that to happen, but...I don't know. He's good to me, and I'm not going to pass up an opportunity to be happy because of his gender.

Aaaand I just remembered I have dishes to do before Mom gets home....FML. Alright, loves. Hopefully I'll be back with updates soon.

xxJessicaxx
 
 
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: bouncybouncy
Current Music: Lacuna Coil: Spellbound
 
 
Jessica Williams
22 April 2010 @ 04:26 am
Tell me what to do when I stop caring about my own well being. Tell me what to do when the panic attacks get worse. Tell me what to do when the blood pressure issues begin. Tell me what to do when the trauma of someone else triggers trauma I didn't even know existed inside of me. Tell me what to do to tame the feeling of failing myself. Tell me what to do when saving a life suddenly feels like ruining it. Tell me what to do when what I want stands in front of me, but remains unattainable. Tell me what to do when taking the easy way out turns deadly. Tell me what to do when I suddenly don't know what's going on inside my own head. Just...tell me what to do. Please.
 
 
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
 
 
Jessica Williams
Now I'm attracted to a guy. Yeah. A real, living, breathing guy. With guy thoughts, and guy clothes. And guy parts. Though I'm still extremely fond of women (I'm sorry, but I'll never be able to stop looking at sexy females), this guy is just perfect right now. I can't even think of a better word for it. He's very respectful of me, he enjoys speaking to me, he calls me beautiful often, he texts me just to let me know he misses me, he's blocked everyone on MSN just to talk to me (and fessed up to getting frustrated when people "bother" him when he's talking to me) he's completely fine with my "no sex" rule, he intentionally flatters me just to see me smirk or smile (or roll my eyes, which he apparently likes), he's not weirded out by the fact that I basically have no filter and talk about anything with anyone, he wants me, he bought me a book I've been after for months...the only downside is that he lives in Texas. That's a serious knife/heart. Because its gotten to the point where I don't even care if he's a male, female, or fucking space alien. I like him.

My friends, of course, are all having O.O moments. Because I've so harshly pushed my anti-men beliefs on all of them for the past five years, and the fact that I could be so attached to a guy that I don't even get to see is mind boggling. They act like they're the only ones shocked by this. I'm the one still in complete shock over here. I'm still getting used to the idea, especially since I've had such a hard time trusting guys my entire life. But its not like Khris and I are actually dating. Well, alright. It's close enough. I'm not looking for anyone else to date, and I don't plan to. We often talk to each other like we're in a relationship (ex. we're always letting each other know what we're doing and when we'll be online, and today, after I told him a story about an old friend of mine who is just absolutely miserable in her marriage and has been for over fifteen years, he told me that if I'm ever unhappy, tell him).

There is, of course, one problem, and it has to do with someone he knows that I just absolutely cannot stand. This person is controlling, and it sounds too much to me like they're in some twisted relationship, but I could be wrong. I'm not getting into this, because everything about this situation was told to me in confidence. But I'm worried. Probably as worried as he is about me turning around and ditching him for Ariane.

I can only imagine how my family is going to react to all of this. My grandmother might take it better than my mother will. My mother will jump down my throat as soon as I tell her how old he is (there's a nine year difference between us). And my Aunt...well. I never know how she's going to react to anything, and I never assume. She always surprises me.

Okay, now that that little piece of info is out of the way...I'm sick. I have a feeling I might be getting pneumonia, which is terrible. I don't have the money to go to the hospital if it gets bad -- no insurance. I'm just praying its my menstrual cycle sneaking up on me, since I'm due for my April round.

Script Frenzy has been going slow. I've only got approximately thirty pages, and seventeen days left. However, I have an excuse. Well, okay. No I don't. But I do now. My laptop died on me for good, so now I have to use my old one until I get a new keyboard for my iMac this Thursday. Which, okay, for someone who does a shitload of writing on computers, that is a LONG time. Write ins at Panera have been helpping a little; I'll get three or four pages done before Jessie and I get off on random conversation tangents for two hours, then sit and write for another ten minutes, then talk for another two. This is what I get for being such a social butterfly. I get along with just about everyone.

Fanfiction, I am just so far behind in. I have two paragraphs in Chapter Five of Fired, which is shameful, since I've been working on it for a month. We also must consider my schedule though; between school work, Script Frenzy, keeping my grandmother company, looking for a job, talking to Khris (believe it or not, this IS important), and trying to sleep off my lethargy and slowly worsening illness, I have zilch time for anything else. But for those of you actually reading this that are keeping up with my work, I haven't abandoned Fired. And I do plan on writing that companion piece to False Hope. I just need time.

What am I missing? I always miss something. Oh, yeah. Anyone seen Angels in America? I have a copy of it I want to watch, but I'm getting mixed signals on the quality of the story. Feedback?

I may have already squeed about this in another post (I'm too lazy to look), but OH MY GOD LACUNA COIL IS COMING BACK MAY 21ST AND I AM SO MOTHER FUCKING EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Since they're opening for Seether, Jon is going, and we're getting there at noon. Do note that doors probably aren't till 7pm. That's how big of fangirls we are. Danny is apparently going too, which is cool. My mother can't make up her fucking mind (I give up on hanging out with her. She may as well not even live her anymore). I'm going even if I have to ride on the back of a crippled crack whore three days beforehand. Jon and I were talking about getting the bands (Lacuna Coil for me, Seether for him) to sign us and going to get the signatures tattooed. I'm definitely down for that if I have the money. I may have Cri sign under my Lacuna Coil tattoo and just add onto it.

I've officially made the decision that this is much easier than keeping a notebook journal. I actually finish these entries, whereas I start handwriting an entry in my journal and get distracted.

Alright, now that I've written a novel here and rocked out to Lacuna Coil (yes, diehard fans rock out even when they feel like they're going to keel over), I'm going to sleep. I feel ten times worse than I did before leaving grandma's. Love you few xx
 
 
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: sicksick
Current Music: Lacuna Coil: Fragile